Emotion
by Takianna
Summary: A life remembered. Emotions that were held aside. Just a one off that I decided to write on a whim.


**Emotion**

People believe that jedi have no emotion, but they have no idea what we truly feel. I feel every single thing that any other sentient being feels. Sometimes, because I use the force, I feel far more than other sentient beings.

I felt the pain of losing the only person in my life who resembled a father. Qui-gon Jinn was gone before I had a chance to process the fact that he was leaving me. It was anguish like I had never felt before. I couldn't understand how the force looked at him and thought that he should join it. He was strong and there was so much that he still had to teach me, but that was all cut far too short.

The pain overtook me in the middle of the night, squeezing my heart as though it would never be able to beat again. I knew that I would never make it through those awful dark hours on Naboo. I could hear the scream escape my lips, as it had that day during our dual with the sith. The scream echoed through the darkness and woke several of the servants in the wing of the palace where I was staying. I could not be consoled by anyone or anything. I wanted to be alone with my pain.

Comfort was hard to find in those first hours, but I put on the face of a jedi for the ceremony of peace between the Gungans and the people of Naboo. I stood there and pushed down every emotion I had bubbling inside of me. I was being a good jedi. The kind of jedi that now had a padawan learner of my own. I had to be strong. I had to show Anakin what it was like to be a jedi. So I was being the best master I knew how to be by not showing any of the feelings I was having on the inside. Maybe, just maybe, he would've been a better learner if I would have shown those feelings, but that is only something I can speculate on as I look back over years of my life which cannot be rewritten. I've lived them already, I've made my choices. Now, as with all people, I live with the choices I made then.

After the death of Master Jinn, I turned to Master Yoda to give me guidance and comfort. He had so many words of advice and they really brought a peace to my life that I thought I would never find again. I could go on being a jedi and I could go on teaching Anakin to the best of my ability. Sometimes those abilities were lacking and I felt very self conscious around other masters in the temple.

He was far more skilled than anyone on the council had even known. I think Master Jinn had known. I think that was the reason he was so willing to set me free to be a jedi and take on Anakin as his own padawan. I felt such pride in those days when Anakin was becoming such a strong jedi. I shared in his glory and comforted him in his defeats. He was my child. He was my galaxy. I rested all the hope I had in my legacy with him. Maybe it was misplaced and maybe it wasn't.

Then the Clone Wars began. I found myself in a position that I was not comfortable with as we fought against the Separatists. Jedi should be keepers of the peace, not warriors and I found myself struggling more and more with this dichotomy. I never showed it though, keeping my feelings and emotion inside. I was angry with what we were asked to do in the name of the Republic. A republic that I wasn't so sure of anymore and that others were finding themselves questioning. Good people questioning a government that had perhaps worn out it's welcome was something I never thought I would see, but it happened in those dark days of war.

Anakin seemed to be the only one who could feel my moods regarding the constant war. He often said that it was for the good of the peace that we were fighting almost as though he were trying to reassure me. I would smile and tell him that I understood, but I don't think I ever really cared to actually accept what he was saying. I was a jedi and we were, for all cases, held to a much higher standard. War should be beneath us and asking men, even though they were created for it, to die in the name of something that was dying itself was something I could and never will come to terms with in this life.

Maybe the force knew better of the coming storms, but maybe it was the hands of men and jedi that brought about all these things. I don't know.

I was stabbed in the heart at the death of the Duchess Satine. She was the one person in this life who knew exactly who I was and she didn't care who I pretended to be. She knew me. Although we had never truly proclaimed a love that was forbidden, I knew in my heart that I loved her. I loved her with every ounce of my being, but I was a good jedi. I was the kind of jedi that would renounce those kinds of relationships to make sure that I could do my duty. A duty that was questionable, but still a duty that was given to me by the council.

Now I regret never saying those words to her. The words that should've been on my lips when she was passing. I loved her and I always will. One day we'll be together again, but until that time, I carry the heartache that only a jedi will know. The heartache of missed opportunities and words never spoken. The heartache that I never reached out my two hands and took those of the one of I loved. Now the opportunity has passed and it will never come again. For that, I'm truly saddened.

Anakin was another of my failures. I should've known that he needed his mother, that he needed to feel he fit in, but I always looked away. Trying to show him by example just how a jedi should be. He didn't care. He wasn't able to stifle the feelings he had for what was happening in his life. He wanted to be passionate and to feel things. I didn't want him to because I knew that he would be prone to falling into the dark side.

When my failure as his master was complete, I was heartbroken as my child spat words of hatred towards me. He was the one I had raised to carry on my teachings and my destiny was intertwined with his. How could he have betrayed all that I had taught him? How could he have betrayed the man that I was?

I watched him die. My eyes welling with tears as he slipped away and a monster took his place. I wanted to hug him and rescue him like I had done so many times before, but I couldn't. I was forbidden to do such things. He was the enemy now although I knew that he was merely a child yelling for someone to pay attention to him. He wanted more and he wanted to feel as though we loved him. When all he really felt was that we had pushed him from our lives and demanded that he adhere to what we believed.

I mourn him everyday. My child lives no more inside that shell of armor that calls itself Darth Vader.

People believe jedi have no feelings, that we are machines of peace and light. I have feelings. I have them all the time. Sometimes, I wish that it wasn't true. Sometimes I wish that I couldn't feel that I was numb because those feelings are constant reminders of the failures I've had in my life. A life that was dedicated to the jedi and to never really knowing who I am.


End file.
